SATIRE NOTICE: This is a satirical website. No actual public assets or services are for sale. The listings, prices and offers are fictional; the votes, quotes and figures they describe come from public records and are sourced on each page.

PRIVACY POLICY

AMERICA'S GREAT SELL-OFF™ | STAUBER'S MN REALTY

Last Updated: September 29, 2026

Unlike Congressman Stauber, we believe in transparency. This Privacy Policy outlines the minimal information we collect when you visit our satirical real estate website, and unlike the politicians we parody, we won't sell your data to the highest bidder.

1. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

America's Great Sell-Off™ (the "Site") collects only basic, non-personally identifiable information through standard web server logs. Unlike the privatization of public assets, we keep our data collection to a minimum. The information we collect includes:

This information is collected automatically through our web server logs and is not combined with other information to personally identify you.

Open-house sign-in sheet. We also count visits with GoatCounter, an open-source, cookie-free visitor counter. When a page loads, it records the page viewed, the referring website, your browser and operating system, your screen width, your language, and your approximate location (worked out from your IP address). GoatCounter doesn’t store your IP address or save anything in your browser, and it keeps only totals — “40 people toured the BWCA listing today” — not a file on you. Details are in GoatCounter’s privacy policy.

2. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

Unlike politicians who promise one thing and do another, we're straightforward about how we use the information we collect:

UNLIKE REAL ESTATE SPECULATORS, we don't use your information to sell you overpriced assets, and UNLIKE CERTAIN POLITICIANS, we don't trade your interests away to benefit special interests.

3. INFORMATION SHARING AND DISCLOSURE

We value your privacy more than Congressman Stauber values public lands. We do not sell, trade, rent, or otherwise share your information with third parties. The only exceptions to this policy are:

4. DATA RETENTION

We retain server logs containing the information described above for no longer than 90 days, after which they are automatically deleted. This retention period is shorter than a congressional term, and certainly shorter than the environmental damage caused by unregulated mining in the BWCA. Visitor counts from GoatCounter are kept only as aggregate totals.

5. COOKIES AND TRACKING

Our Site doesn't use cookies, and neither does our visitor counter. Unlike some politicians who follow the money, we don't follow you around the internet — we count how many people toured each listing, not who they were. The only thing we store is one setting in your browser’s session storage — whether you closed the election-countdown bar — and it disappears when you close the tab.

Message composer. The composer on our Contact page runs entirely in your browser. Nothing you type there is sent to us or stored; you copy it into Rep. Stauber’s official contact form yourself.

6. YOUR RIGHTS AND CHOICES

You have more rights on our website than citizens have when natural resources are privatized:

7. CHILDREN'S PRIVACY

Our Site is not intended for children under 13 years of age. We do not knowingly collect personal information from children under 13. If you are a parent or guardian and believe we may have collected information about a child, please contact us at the address below.

8. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY

We may update this Privacy Policy from time to time. Unlike congressional voting records that get buried in committee minutes, we'll clearly post any changes to this policy on this page with an updated "Last Updated" date.

9. CONTACT INFORMATION

If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, please contact us at:

hello@staubermn.com

SATIRE NOTICE: This is a satirical website. No actual public assets or services are for sale. The listings, prices and offers are fictional; the votes, quotes and figures they describe come from public records and are sourced on each page.