About Stauber Minnesota Realty
Our Company
Founded in 2016 when we realized the untapped profit potential in America's public services, Stauber Minnesota Realty™ has become the nation's premier facilitator of transferring taxpayer-funded assets into private hands. We specialize in connecting public servants with private profit opportunities by transforming essential government services into exclusive investment vehicles.
Our innovative business model is simple: identify public resources that Americans value most, recruit elected officials willing to privatize them, and then arrange transfers to our exclusive clientele of billionaires, corporations, and foreign entities who appreciate the incredible ROI of formerly public assets.
Under the visionary leadership of Pete Stauber, our Minnesota division has successfully marketed everything from pristine wilderness areas to healthcare systems, transforming what was once considered "the public good" into "the private better." After all, if something can't be measured in quarterly profits, does it truly have value?
Meet Our Team
Our dedicated team of public asset liquidation specialists works tirelessly to identify which treasured American resources can be most profitably transferred to private control. While maintaining the convenient appearance of public service, our associates excel at advancing corporate interests through strategic "representation."
Pete Stauber
Expertise: Claiming to protect public resources while actively working to privatize them
Special Skills: Maintaining "Back the Blue" persona while supporting pardons for those who assaulted 140+ police officers
Favorite Quote: "I support the public [when cameras are rolling]."
Oleg Deripaska
Expertise: Acquiring Minnesota's natural resources through complex ownership structures despite sanctions
Special Skills: Maintaining plausible deniability while extracting maximum profit from American resources
Favorite Quote: "За ваши ресурсы, спасибо депутату Стауберу!" (For your resources, thank Representative Stauber!)
Donald Trump
Expertise: Converting criminal convictions into profit centers through strategic donation requirements
Special Skills: Making "law and order" apply only to those who can't afford to buy pardons
Favorite Quote: "Justice is like a hotel room - available at the right price!"
Elon Musk
Expertise: Dismantling decades of federal agencies as DOGE Administrator while Pete Stauber enthusiastically applauds
Special Skills: Convincing the public that eliminating the EPA, CFPB, DOE, USAID and FAA is "efficiency" rather than corporate giveaways
Favorite Quote: "The most efficient regulation is no regulation. Just trust me, a billionaire with financial interests in eliminating oversight."
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Expertise: Using an environmentalist surname to systematically dismantle environmental protections
Special Skills: Promoting conspiracy theories while occupying positions that require scientific expertise
Favorite Quote: "The best way to protect our children from toxins is to eliminate the agencies that regulate toxins."
Charles Koch
Expertise: Transforming billions in pollution profits into policies that generate more pollution profits
Special Skills: Convincing working-class Americans that billionaire tax cuts and deregulation will somehow benefit them
Favorite Quote: "A free market means I'm free to buy the market."
Our Corporate Values
At Stauber Minnesota Realty™, our values guide every decision we make as we transform public resources into private profit centers. We're proud to operate with a clear set of principles that have made us the industry leader in public asset liquidation.
Profit Over People
We believe that human needs like healthcare, clean water, and retirement security represent untapped profit opportunities. By converting these basic rights into premium services, we create shareholder value while teaching self-reliance.
Foreign Ownership Preferred
While we market ourselves as "America First," we prioritize transferring U.S. resources to foreign corporations and oligarchs. This innovative approach ensures maximum profit extraction with minimal domestic accountability.
Short-Term Extraction
We specialize in converting centuries of potential public benefit into a few years of private profit. Why preserve resources for future generations when shareholders need returns this quarter?
Two-Tier Justice
We believe in a justice system where consequences apply only to those who can't afford to buy pardons. Our premium legal escape packages ensure accountability remains strictly for the lower classes.
Environmental Externalization
By transferring pollution costs to taxpayers while privatizing profits, we've perfected the art of having others pay for our clients' environmental destruction for the next 500+ years.
Strategic Silence
We've mastered the art of having our representatives loudly proclaim support for police, rural communities, and seniors while silently undermining each through their voting records and policy positions.
Donor Testimonial
Our History
Stauber Minnesota Realty™ traces its roots to the first time a politician realized they could exchange public resources for private campaign donations. Since our founding, we've refined the art of transforming "public service" into "private extraction" through these key historical milestones:
2016: Recognized the untapped potential in marketing America's public resources to the highest bidder regardless of citizenship or criminal record.
2018: Recruited Pete Stauber to our Minnesota division, attracted by his willingness to publicly claim support for communities, police, and clean water while actually supporting policies that undermine each.
2019: Pioneered our "Russian Oligarch Advantage" program, connecting sanctioned foreign billionaires with Minnesota's natural resources through complex ownership structures supported by Pete Stauber.
2020: Developed our innovative "Pardon Portfolio," allowing Pete Stauber to maintain his "Back the Blue" branding while supporting pardons for those who violently assaulted police officers (as long as they were the right police officers).
2021: Expanded into premium healthcare privatization, rebranding "cutting Medicaid" as "enhancing freedom of choice through market mechanisms."
2022: Launched our "Rural Abandonment Initiative," helping Pete Stauber support post office closures while claiming to champion the rural communities that depend on them.
2024: Currently finalizing our "Senior Security Extraction" program to transform Social Security from a guaranteed benefit into a Wall Street profit center.
SATIRE NOTICE: This website is satirical commentary on Congressman Pete Stauber's policy positions and voting record. Stauber Minnesota Realty™ is not a real company, but the policies described reflect actual positions taken by Rep. Stauber that effectively prioritize corporate and private interests over public ones. While the presentation is humorous, the impact of these policies on Minnesotans, public lands, and essential services is very real.